maggie's spot

2006-10-17T20:05:00.000-04:00

maggie's spotHey Yall so here i am back I have a new adventure to tell yall about but first let me say I thank God for my soberity and my restored common sense.Having said that i am now dating a guy that i am not sure that he makes me happy or if i am just flattered that he would even give me the time of day.He is 30 and as we all know i am 42 yea theres is a age difference and my kids are having a major problem with it.I am now questioning my decisions.I enjoy his company butwe really don't talk much i guess my daughter is right what would we have to talk about. We are so different he sings amd has the most wonderful voice and he is really nice looking he could have anyoe of these younger women he wants !why me??On the other hand why not me??Or is this just a fling and i am going to get my heart broken.Cuz He IS YOUNG any opions are welcome i could use some real advice!!!!HELP!!!

maggie's spot

2006-10-05T14:58:00.000-04:00

maggie's spotOh yea I forgot my birthday is Sunday and i will be 42 years old and i feel like i just started in my life.

maggie's spot

2006-10-05T14:43:00.000-04:00

maggie's spotHere I am once again and i am here once again to pur out my heart. Ya know i have been alone for awhile and i have learned to enjoy it to a point.But this sleeping alone is beginning to suck. I have become a good person i just want to wake up with the same person and go to bed with the same person everynight . I wanna learn someone so well that i know everything about them.What they like what they don't like and what does and does not turn them on. But i don't know where to look or maybe i should not look at all maybe i should just sit tight and see what happens.Cuz i keep hoping that he will just drop into my lap.But that does not seem to be happening . I dislike being alone I have conqured the loneliness . But i really want to be held at night ya know hold hands in the moonlight .Cuddle up on the couch and watch t.v. just to count on someone to be home to talk to to just be with.A companion some i can call meet for dinner and buy things for . Any suggestions on wher my partner might be??

maggie's spot

2006-10-01T11:49:00.000-04:00

maggie's spotwell hello how are all yall out there? Me well i am doing well i have a good life and i am doing thngs i enjoy i have been very busy and now i am working a second job to stay busy and i got to wait on some of our fellow soderites and they are so much funand they were showing a new comer how to have fun without drinking or drugs.It appeared that she was having a good time we all laughed and joked about things we had done when we were out there and ya know i came home and strolled down memorie land and back then i was very thin i have put on some weight and i think i needed it i looked older then than i do now.My birthday is coming up and i am lokking forward to it cuz although i am getting older i feel better than i have ever felt.Physically and Emotionally.Ok i am going to close this for now I will be back later to finish this.

love lost

2006-09-21T22:49:00.000-04:00

maggie's spotOK if u have worked the 'steps' U will understand what i am about to say-When i wa working my steps i found that out of all the ones that i had listed there was one i couldnot find.Someone that was very special to me ment alot to me even back in the day.Someone especially noe that i am clean i had a special place for he ment so much to me but still i burned for my addiction.We could have had a beautiful life,But any way that is another story for another day
I had not had the opportunity to tell this person how i felt then and now.Well when i was moving into this apt. I came face to face with this person-You remember when you are told that when it is itme for you to fix what u had done the way will be provided and u have to be willing.Well at first i was not willing I was scared that all those feeling i had bak then would resurface. I gathered the courage to approach him and do what i know i had to do.And i did and we may not ever have what we had then but at least he forgave me and hopefully we can be friends. When i explained where i wasat then and where i am now he seems to be okay with it.Did I mention that he is now married which really bothered me at first but as long as he is happy i will be okay with that.I am hoping we can sit and talk more soon,this is the first time i have ever admitted how i felt about him. Now i can admit it without any guilt.He ame by my apt. tonight and i let him kiss me and i got this warm feeling inside and i wanted him as bad as i remembered from back then and i felt so warm. I was n love with him then and i don't wanna love him now, But i will if i don't watch myself cuz it would not be right. But we cannot change the way we feel yet with gods help i can hide it supress it and only keep it between me and god.Cuz he is married and i had my chance and i gave it to the 'dopw' instead of him.So i have ot accept my fate and stay outta his life cuz i do not and will not cause any more damage than i already have.Looking back i have never loved like that and i probably never will again but that is alright i can live with that cuz with Gods help we can survive anything.ok that is all for now Bye all i willl be back soon!!

wow i have arrived

2006-09-20T23:24:00.000-04:00

maggie's spotI saved and saved to get a computer not the best on the market but it is mine i don't owe anything for it it is mine. I am really enjoying it and ia don;t feel as lonely as i used too. I can now write in my journal without feelng rushed. any way i think i will surf the net now so more later i will come back and share my journey with you.

maggie's spot

2006-09-18T15:25:00.000-04:00

maggie's spotOK I got some things i have observed that leave me with a "bad taste" in my mouth so to speak . I watch a man try to 'tame' a woman i know that is very strong and independant and she does not comform well to stupidity.No matter what she said she was always met with some kind of debate he was always tring to be right and always tring to do things his way it was more like he wanted a child not a girlfriend.when they first got together he was great and they talked about everything and then he started to change tring to tell her what he thought was right and wrong.Well from my point of view he really had no room to say anything cuz here he was not working living with his mom and dad.She does very well on her own sometimes a bit lonley but she has friends that keep her from being to lonely,at first he did not mind her friends or the time she spent with her son,then with in two weeks he began having a problem with them and he began getting very combative no matter what he seemed to always bring choas and discontent<> Lots of drama it was amazing how her life went from he apt being her sanctuay to her dreading to go home for fear he would be there.Cuz she knew it was going to be a fight no matter what the topic, no matter what she trid to tell him he would get arguementative.He was always right and there was no room for compromise it was as if she no longer had a voice and it was going to be the way he thought it should be.Even when they went out to eat he would order for her not necessarily what she wanted but he thought she wanted. Now they had only egan dating a month ago. Now he suddenly knew her??She would ask him questions about himself just to find out something about him and he would respond with sarcasim or some kinda of humor.But no depth he was not clingy at first but he was begining to get that way.Becoming possesive and controlling with his mannerisms.Then he began saying things a t work that were very unprofessional and juvinile things that had no business on the job that really should have stayed in the bedroom.So she kinda felt funny at work cuz of his mouth.She feels like she did when her ex-isolated her from the world.He acts like a active addict cuz with the soberity he says he has he should know better he should relize that letting her be free would make both of them happy and she would be very content cuz he really is a nice guy or he can be if he would just let her be her cuz she really is a good person .But if he keeps pushing her then she will rebel and oh boy when she does.I am tired of seeing her cry-and question her self like she did with the last one.He has always said all he wanted for her was to be happy then why make her miserable why try to change her into whatever he thinks she should be Cuz without him she was alway smiling and always looking forward to the next day and now she is very down.He needs to learn to run his own life and not try to run hers.He needs to accept that he has NO CONTROL!!!!!!Well that is all of that banter i wil put in more later cuz i got a computer at home now.my Email is maggiep101@yahoo.com bye for now.....

maggie's spot

2006-09-15T12:53:00.000-04:00

maggie's spotYa know i am ready for someone to hold me at night and i want to wake up every morning with that same person.I want to know them in ways that no one else does I want some one who thinks i hung the moon-someone who will accapet me no matter what I have flaws and this i know I do not need them pointed out for me.some who will let the little shit go.I realized that relationships are ard work i don't mind hard work but i want someone who will at least give 50%. Some i can argue with and fix the problem or agree that the situatin has no resolve and be ok with me haveing a view different than theirs. I want them to be my friend first some who wants me in everyway not just sexually.But emotinally Yes i am very set in my ways but with the right person i don't mind conformity .Afterall we all have changed over the years we have all accepted and denied the reality of what is going on.So i sat down i made of list of the things i don't want in a relationship and yes i even jotted down the qualities i want cuz if you don't know what you want then how do you know when you find it.Acceptance is the key i realize that everyone has things about them that are unique but the real question is can you deal with them cuz believe it if you go into a relationship looking to change that person u have already lost. So when you date someone look at those unique qualities that you wrinkle your brow at is somthing you can handle cuz it will only get worse as life goes on . and if they start changing things in your world from the start then maybe you should step back and regroup<<>>Cuz if they already tring to "fix" you or your tring to "fix' them then STOP.Cuz all relatinships r is comprmise and acceptance and embracing the differences ok i am closing now...bye-+

Now we get to start breathing .

2006-09-12T17:53:00.000-04:00

maggie's spotFor so long our addiction kept us isolated for not only our loved ones but ourselves.I have been living life on lifes terms for a while now , And i just realized that i have devloped not only a conscience but a HEArt. Now i actually consider how my actions and my words might effect the person i am talking to.As i said i am still learning and on that note i said something to someone i really care about that was hurtful and mean and i did not mean it the way it sounded and if i had just stopped for a second and thought about it i could have reconsidered it. But now i am having to suck up and apologize.That i have done and no matter if they forgive me or not i have forgiven myself.Ya know when i first began the journey i thought that forgiveness was to come from the person that i had apologized to but no i have no control over that .It is actually for you to face it and learn how to forgive youself.Cuz we are harder on ourselves than anyone else can be.So we you forgive yourself your soul begins to heal. As for the amends -amend means to fix or to repair so again it is not the person in which you are making the amends to NO it is yourself we are fixing. We are learning to be a part of life. I no longer at lifes little set backs as a bad thing cuz with out them i would not be me.I was told once that it is not what problems we ahve cuz everyone has problems. It how we handle them that defines our character. We i finally die i don't mind the remembering of my past yet at the same time i want them to be able to see the difference in me as i grew.I want my children and my grand children to see that everyone can change with determinaton and the faith in a power greater than ourselves.ok i gotta go more later.

life goes on

2006-09-01T16:18:00.000-04:00

maggie's spotAs each day unfolds i relize that life is what you make of it.Be it good and or bad-ups and downs.If you take all situations with humor and prayer you can survive and prosper cuz laugher heals all kinds of pain.I relize that all of us have problems-It is how we handle the problems that makes us who we are. We all have but one life to live so live it DON'T let life live you. At this point in my life i have enjoyed things so much more with a clear mind i see things in such vivid color.I am even learning to live by myself i have decided that when and if God see fit i will find someone to enjoy life with someone to love me I only want someone who things i hang the moon.Some to spoil someone to share a romantic candle lite dinner.But like all things in life i will wait and pray and God will answer in his time i know if i wait on Gods answer that it will worth the wait and the answer to my prays.But until then i will enjoy every day like it was going to be last.

maggie's spot

2006-08-30T14:29:00.000-04:00

maggie's spotAs we go thru this life all our paths cross for a reason we might not see it at first but if you stop and pray the light will reveal itself.Maybe we are not asking for details or the right information Cuz I believe all will reveal ts self in its due time.We encounter people that we normally would not encounter in the path of soberity Or maybe we are just now seeing them .Cuz before our vision was clouded and now t is clearing up.Everyone has positivies in the personality Just there are some we have look harder than we do in others.If we just slow down we will see the reason that person is there so in the ones you don't care for one must look for the reason they are there so that they can GO. Cuz the longer you delay it the longer they will be there.Just like my ex i could not get rid of that person for anything no matter what i did he would not go away and until i could get rid of him i knew i would never be happy well i after alot of prayer i relized that i was tring to control something i had no power over .When i accepted it and let go he went away.Now i am very happy.

Clearing of the Mind.

2006-08-29T16:24:00.000-04:00

maggie's spotHello fellows .Just wanted to let you know what is going on in the life of a woman learning to live life on lifes terms.Sometimes that is reallly hard but i am doing it one day at a time.I have been clean and sober for a long time now and i am still learning i love life with its ups and downs.I am enjoying every day of this life the my Higher Power has bestowed upon me has and still is an adventure better than any rollercoaster.I wake up each morning looking forward to what the day will bring. looking back at just a week ago i relized that i had tried to take control of something that i knew in my heart i had no control of.So i let go and accepted that i have no control and i believe that i am doing better.I don't feel alone as i once did i feel a contentment I still have problems but not like i had. Now that my addict has moved on i feel better I wish him nothing but joy and happiness.I wish that everyone could find the joy and peace i have found.I love my job and the people i work for and i am looking for a better place to live. I feel like i am acccomplishing something finally i can see the results from all the struggles.

maggie's spot

2006-08-14T15:52:00.000-04:00

SICK AND TIRED OF BEING SICK AND TIRED;
I have been in recovery fo almost 6 years and enjoy being 'clean' but it has not been easy. I got mixed up with a guy who was as addicting as the drugs that was doing me cuz we all know that we don't do 'the deal' it does us.Being in a abusive relationship and when you realize that that relationship is killing you and you try to 'kick'it it cam be hard .But thank goodness i have learned the tools to change the habit and rescuing him had become a habit . I had to step back and accept that he did not love me hae did not even love himself enough to get help and when the guilt got to him i was the blame-iwas the one who payed physically and emotionally.so i have taken some drastic measures i will not answer his calls and i try not to feel sorry for him cuz until he gets help he is no good to me or himself.If i am nice to him then i am enabling him to continue in his sick behavior. But i figure that my HIgher Power will provide that special person for me to share my life with . I will continue to pray for the sick and the recovering . Ya know i try to live a guilt free life and i try to the nexxt right thing even if it isnt the one i want or the one i think will benefit me .I have learned that each day is exactly what i make of it good and bad .I try to make each day of smiles and joy. Even in the mess i have allowed him to leave for me to clean up in the mean time i have learned a lesson and i have seen the addiction for the other side i can understand how one becomes and enabler cuz before him i could not understand. But looking back i am amazed that i was that blind cuz 2 years later we have never progressed never accomplished anything we could never get a head and each time he would give me a reprieve i would get ahead and back on my feet this time though i will not let him back in i used to say yea maybe if he can stay clean for a year . But i don'tbelieve that i could ever trust him again i think he has already crushed what was there too much to get over so i hope he will be happy in his new life i wish he would get the help he so desperately needs .

maggie's spot

2006-08-09T17:20:00.000-04:00

maggie's spot:OMG he showed up on my doorstep.And to honest i think that was the first time i have ever felt really frightened i just can not believe that he has that much nerve . I was frozen in fear i talked to him and still i am indifferent i just want him to go away he is like a reoccurring nightmare. I dislike being afraid to go home ya know a protective order only works if you are alive to call the cops. I honestly believe he will kill me if given the opportunity i want him to go away so i can pick up the pieces and move on .I just want to be happy and free of the torment he has delt me i deserve to feel safe in my own home.Don't yall agree he always shows up when he needs something never without alot of drama and when he is not around i liver a drama free life.

thank you

2006-08-01T17:08:00.000-04:00

thank you jeklvshyde that was inspirational .

LONELY

2006-08-01T14:59:00.000-04:00

Hello my name is Maggie i am 41 years old and i have recently gotten rid of a person who liked to see me desperate.I feel like i have been let out of jail but like when you get out of jail you no longer know what to do with yourself. You kinda feel lost and it is hard to figure out what to do with all the free time,Cuz you don't have friends and how do you trust anyone after the one who professes to LOVE you the most crushes you and looking back seems to really enjoy watching you crumble.So now at 41 I am starting all over and i don't know where or how to even begin. If you read this and have any suggestions Please E-Mail me at maggie101@hotmail.com.